Biological Clock

"My biological clock is not even wound up yet."

That was always my standard reply to the question I have been getting for almost five years now: Don't you want to have a baby soon? Since the day we got married people have asked and hinted and prodded and joked about it. And I was always able to give my standard response. And it was always true. Because when you get married at twenty, the last thing on your mind is having a baby (at least it was the last thing on my mind). I was too busy trying to graduate from college, cook dinners, pay bills, live with a guy and learning to be a grown-up to even consider bringing another person into the mix.

Nowadays I don't really know how to answer that question.

I can't honestly say my ole standard response. Because it is not true. I feel some ticking nested deep in my belly. I can hear it at the weirdest times. Like when I take my dog for a walk and think that someday I am going to have to walk the dog and push a stroller. tick tick tick. Last night when Kevin and I were both lazing around enjoying Sunday and I knew that times like these are precious because one day there will be lovely kiddos beautifully occupying our time. tick tick tick.

Now, we had a bit of a crazy scare in March where I thought I was pregnant (the doctor said I was viably pregnant, yeah, I don't get it either). I broke down crying I was so distraught. Then I called my friend Stro and cried and laughed at the term "viably pregnant." I really REALLY did not want to be pregnant and looking back I think that it was not so much the being pregnant part I would have minded, it was the timing. It was not what I had in mind for 2008, thank you very much! But somewhere in between the craziness and multiple blood tests and baby dreams and not knowing what was going on and ultrasounds, the ticking began.

So, here I am with a wound up biological clock and no where to go, teetering on the edge of something monumental. And everytime I see a baby something inside me simultaneously yearns and screams "Don't do it!" So, if you ask me if I am going to have kids anytime soon, expect to get a whole lot of silence. Because at this point, I have no idea and somewhere deep down the clock just keeps on ticking.