Today

I tend to negate the present. I live for what will be, this five-year goal, and that thing I will achieve down the road. So lately I am trying to live in the present, enjoy what each day brings: the things I can revel is now that I might not be able to in 5 years when we have kids. The trips we can take, the time Kevin and I can spend together, the long walks I can take with Brody, and the basic selfishness I can have at this moment in my life.

And this isn't easy. Unfortunately, I was born a coveter - always wanting something else. In high school I could not wait until I graduated and got the heck out of dodge. In college, I couldn't wait to "be an adult" with a real job. Now I find myself looking back and wishing I could have told my 15 and 20 year old selves to just settle down and enjoy. Changing my coveting attitude and appreciating what I have now is not as easy as repeating the 10th commandment over and over. It comes with learning the beauty in the small things I have now. The awareness that God has given me what I need for this moment in time. The security I have in my future because, ultimately, my life is in God's hands.

So I don't have this or that or my five-year plan is tracking more to be a 10-year plan. I have today and in the words of Mother Teresa, "We have only today. Let us begin."

sadness

Though the world looks bright in a different light, it’s hard to understand the dark I feel inside my heart. - Rachel Diggs, Winter Sky

Sometimes you just have to let sadness run its course. You have to grieve the what might have been or could have been before you can appreciate the what is now. You can’t wish away sadness. You can’t always tell yourself to “buck up” and feel better. Sometimes pep talks fail to stitch up an open wound or rub a balm on a broken heart.

Yesterday I cried big fat tears in stall #1 at work. I tried stopping them. I tried telling myself that I was being ridiculous. I tried cheering myself up by listening to my baby brother’s ridiculous voicemail. But I still just needed to cry. To let it all out: the dissipated hope, the ache, the terrifying feel of failure.

Because sometimes you know that things are going to get better. That the world is bright in a different kind of light, but tears under fluorescent bulbs are all you can handle.

The Secret Weapon of Women

The dress. Yes, my friends, the dress. Put one on and suddenly you get all of these compliments. Put one on and you somehow feel pretty, more feminine. Put one on, add some simple jewelry and you have an instant outfit – no standing in front of the closet holding up combinations of shirts, skirts, pants, sweaters, and capris together only to put it on, not like it, and start over again.

I am that someone who has spent many a day changing outfits, putting on one shirt and then another and then changing my pants and then my shoes until my husband says, “What are you doing? You looked fine with what you had one 10 minutes ago.” Yeah, well, I don’t really want to look just fine, thank-you-very-much.

So, last summer I happened upon some GREAT dress deals at Target (we are talking like $8 and $12 here) and I was hooked. I wore the flirty 50’s style shirt dress and the navy blue and white seersucker all summer long. So, when fall rolled in, I invested in two sweater dresses. One of which I am wearing today.

This past Saturday I moved my summer dresses up to the closet – ready to go once the weather gets warm enough. Ready for those days where I need a little pick-me-up, a little instant-pretty.

climbing my family tree

I’ve been doing some genealogical research in preparation for our trip to Ireland which is both fun and maddening (going through loads of census records without getting a drop of new information can get pretty boring). Here are some of my gleaned insights on the Gormley family:

1. Don’t name your son Henry. It doesn’t seem to end well since three of the Henrys in my family tree died prematurely.
2. Don’t tell the above tidbit to your brother who then confides that Henry is their top boys name. Crap.
3. Don’t go logging. Two men have died via logging. So, dad, stay away from cutting down trees, ok?
4. People were not real original with names. In three generations there were 6 Thomases, 5 Peters, 5 Janes, 6 Henrys, 5 Sarahs, and 5 Margarets.
5. It was apparently ok to marry a cousin back in the day… thank goodness that was not in my direct family tree…

What the family tree doesn’t tell me is what provoked my widowed great-great-great-great grandfather to immigrate from Ireland with his nine children just before the potato famine in Ireland. Why did they settle in Canada before heading to Michigan? All of the census records in the world aren’t going to be able to tell me that. Which makes me want to lug a tape recorder to my three living grandparents and record their stories. Not just the where and when and what but the why and the how.

I seriously have no idea what to title this

It’s not been a good day. And it is only 10. Couldn’t sleep last night. (Bless Kevin, who put up with my whining and finally got me to go to sleep.) Woke up early (5:30) for swimming with Kelly. We drove all the way to the pool which was closed. Drove home, got ready, drove to work, had a meeting, cried. Am now miserably tired and crabby and have red eyes.

Forecast for the rest of the day is not looking to get much better either. My brother is moving to Seattle and tonight is his going away party. I know I will cry. I know my mom will cry. As my truth-telling friend Aletha said this weekend: “What is the big deal? It is not like he is dying!” Yes, I know. But he is quite possibly my best friend aside from Kevin and I am going to miss him. Horribly.

Am crying again so I am just going to stop this post right here.

just get me through

Certain days deserve certain music. Today I am majorly stressed and I need songs that that just get me through. Songs that make me feel better because I like them that much. This is one of those songs for me. Plus, I love the line "baby I'm a man, I was born to hate." Makes me laugh!

Confessions

1. I have gained 15 pounds since getting married. Blech. Thus the new resolve to run more.
2. I don't read my Bible. Well, regularly at least. And I work for the world's leading Bible publisher. And I own at least 10 Bibles.
3. I love to sing. At one time I was good at it. I don't really sing anywhere anymore except to my dog or my husband or when I randomly break into song.
4. I had an eating disorder in college. I have never said/typed that before, but let's just call things what they are, shall we?
5. I have a complete lack of follow-through. I started my first novel when I was 10, and have started dozens of so since then. And haven't finished a darn one.

Music to run to

I need some new songs to listen to while I workout. I am training for a 10k and have been running 4 days a week so I am getting pretty sick of my current playlists. Got any ideas for me?

Jenna Fischer shared her list with SELF magazine, so I might poach some from there. What do you like to listen to when you are kicking some ass?

A little sad

So maybe more than a little. My brother is moving to Seattle. Right now he lives fifteen minutes away. In less than a month he will be 3 time zones away. I am really happy for him and Karaline. I am excited for this new chapter in their lives.

But I am also a lot sad for me. A lot. And now I am going to concentrate on not crying for the last hour of work.

Today is a great day.

Somedays I just feel euphoric. This is one of those days. There is no special reason. It is just a good day. And days like these remind me to push through the crappy times (like all last week – pure crap). Because life is life. And you will have moments that make your heart ache. And you will have moments of joy that make you want to sing or burst or move or dance or do something to physically show how emotionally full/complete/whole you feel.

So if today is not one of your euphoric days, hang in there. They are just around the corner. And if it is one of those lovely days for you, hold on to it and savor the goodness.